There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
