I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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