He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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