why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
the liver wants what the liver wants
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
