i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
