Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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