I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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