you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
