I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
