Soap is not a condiment
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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