I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
