i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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