Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
