I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
