I've blown a few things in my day
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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