you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm experimenting with sincerity
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize