You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
