felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
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I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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