If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
