Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
