They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
