Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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