I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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