Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
