I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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