She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize