I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
