I hate all girls vehemently.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize