I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I need a hoe opinion
go on
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
