Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
