You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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