A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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