i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
