More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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