Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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