I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
