Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
