Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
