How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
