just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize