you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
