He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This is my gift to your gina
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
