I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
