My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
