Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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