u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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