the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
