You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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