Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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