Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
handjob tips. give me some.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
