I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
