when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
