Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This is my gift to your gina
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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