I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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