I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
