yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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