Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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