rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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