If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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