the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
