I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
