i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
