why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
