you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
