six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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