Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
